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Understanding the "Language" of Sexual Abuse

By Donald L. Mann, LCSW

Editor: Sexual abuse of children is an age-old transgression, yet it has been just during the last decade or so that the prevalence of abuse, the breadth and range of the emotional trauma and behavioral problems, and the long-term effects have become known. National statistics cite that one out of every three girls and one out of every five boys are exposed to sexual abuse before age 18. Those are frightening figures, but in the field of special needs adoption, the numbers are even more devastating. It is estimated that 85%-95% of the children were sexually abused prior to adoption.

An American visiting Paris with no knowledge of French is at a distinctive disadvantage. Without an interpreter the visit will be more difficult. So it is with adoptive families where sexual abuse has been the child's past experience. These children have "learned" a language much different from the language of the non-abused child. Consequently, parenting this child requires an awareness and understanding different from that applied to parenting the non-abused child. Creating a context for successfully parenting the sexually abused child requires that the adoptive parent learns ways of interpreting behavior unique to the child's experience. Fortunately the language of sexual abuse has been well researched. Adopted or not, children who have been sexually abused display fairly typical response patterns. This is the "language" of sexual abuse.

Understanding sexual abuse language begins with recognizing the basic fact that sexual abuse is a traumatic life event. A traumatic life event is one that completely over-powers the ability of the individual to cope or problem solve. It is an event of such magnitude that all means of protecting oneself from it are rendered useless. For example, to keep dry in a normal rain shower, an umbrella works reasonably well. However, it is totally useless during a hurricane. It is impossible to remain in control during an event of that magnitude. So it is with sexual abuse.

In the face of trauma one's only choice is to become a victim. You are no longer in control of your own fate, but have now become an object of elements beyond your ability to influence. The net effect is an experience that forever alters your perspective of life. Being perceived as a sexual object meant for the gratification of another sets in motion the process that we have come to recognize as the experience of the sexually abused child.

Sexual abuse is a particular expression of potential life trauma. The experience of parental loss and abandonment leading to the need for adoption is another expression of life trauma. Obviously then, a sexually abused adopted child has more that one type of trauma in their reservoir of life experience. There are definite overlaps, but sexual abuse trauma can be recognized separate from other traumas. To understand the "language" of sexual abuse it is useful to discuss its Dynamics (what happens), its Psychological Impact (how the victim feels), and its Behavioral Manifestations (what the victim does).

DYNAMICS: There are four major recognized dynamics of sexual abuse. The first is traumatic sexualization. Sexual abuse, by definition, is sexual activity. With children it is always characterized by two negative qualities: it is initiated by the other and developmentally beyond the child's ability to appropriately process. In other words, the physical motor of sexual behavior is initiated before the developmental skills to govern it are learned. Furthermore, the victim is often rewarded for sexual behavior inappropriate to their developmental level. Affection and attention are exchanged for sex. The sexual parts of the child become important out of proportion to the rest of the child. Often, in their efforts to manipulate the child to perform sexual behavior, offenders provide their victims with misconceptions about sexual behavior and sexual morality. If the abuse was aggressive in origin, then sexual activity can become paired with negative emotions.

The abused child feels differently about themselves. If they knew the meaning of the word, then they would describe themselves as being stigmatized. Sexual abuse usually occurs in secret. The offender, and often times others, pressures the child for secrecy. Frequently the offender will take the direct approach of blaming the child for the sexual behavior. The child feels attitudes of shame about the sexual activities. In general, the victim is viewed as, and views themselves as, damaged goods.

The third dynamic of sexual abuse is a pervasive sense of betrayal. The child's natural vulnerability and willingness to trust are manipulated for the benefit of the abuser. The child's well-being is disregarded. It is as if they are no longer a person, but have become an object in the eyes of the abuse. In a broader context it is a violation of the expectation that others will provide care and protection.

The fourth major dynamic is the experience of powerlessness. A sense of powerlessness usually permeates the life of the sexual abuse victim. It starts with the child' body territory being invaded against its wishes. In many situations, the vulnerability to body boundary invasion continues over time. The child feels unable to protect themselves and halt the abuse. Powerlessness is the most obvious by-product of sexual abuse trauma.

PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT: When professionals speak about the psychological impact of sexual abuse, we are attempting to describe how the internal mind structure of the victim has been shaped by the outward experiences of sexual abuse. In this sense sexual abuse is always psychological abuse. Yet, not all victims experience the same feelings. The inherent uniqueness of the individual dictates different psychological responses to the physical behaviors. Yet most demonstrate fairly typical responses; some with more intensity than others, and others at different stages of development.

A listing of the major impacts would look something like this: Traumatic Sexualization: confusion about sexual identity and sexual norms; confusion of sex with love and care-getting/care-giving; and negative associations to sexual activities and arousal sensations. Stigmatization: guilt and shame, lowered self-esteem, and sense of differentness from others. Betrayal: grief, depression; extreme dependency; impaired ability to judge trustworthiness of others; and mistrust. Powerlessness: anger, hostility; fear, anxiety; lowered sense of personal effectiveness; perception of self as a victim; need to control; and (especially for males) identification with the aggressor.

BEHAVIORAL MANIFESTATION: Sexually abused children are different and it shows. The behavioral manifestations are the ways the abused child expresses their past in the present. This is the stage upon which adoptive parent and adoptive child act out the drama of the child's coping and the parent's desires to raise and nurture productive adults. Consequently this is the arena where targeted behaviors for therapeutic intervention are noted and adoptive parents express their most frequent frustrations. If you know the "language," then understanding and successful behavioral interventions are more likely to occur.

The possible listings of behaviors victims express could be quite extensive. My list includes the behaviors most often seen with adopted children. As with the psychological impact, I am referencing the behavior with its initiating dynamic. Traumatic sexualization produces sexual behaviors (e.g., masturbation); precocious sexual activity; aggressive sexual behaviors; promiscuity; prostitution. Stigmatization produces isolation; drug or alcohol use; delinquency, stealing and lying; self-mutilation; suicide. Betrayal leads to clinging; vulnerability to subsequent exploitation and abuse; discomfort in intimate relationships, problems in bonding. Powerlessness promotes aggressive behavior (non-sexual); nightmares; fears (phobias); eating and sleeping disorders; depression; disassociation; running away; school problems; sexually reactive behavior; problems with authority and authority figures; fire setting behavior (boys).

INTERVENTIONS: Once the language of sexual abuse is learned it is easy to become overwhelmed with its enormity. Yet in over twenty years of working with sexual abuse and recovery my optimism grows rather than diminishes. The adoptive child, now identified as sexually abused, is like any one else - they desire to be fulfilled and in harmony with their world and the larger world. Their behavior, even the most problematic, is in service to their view of what they perceive as balance and harmony. Unfortunately, most behavior adaptive to sexual trauma is maladaptive to most other situations. For example, stealing and lying may com-fort and meet some deeper, psychological needs of the adolescent child, but it certainly makes harmonious family living difficult.

Often our efforts to help the sexually abused child actually get in the way. Frequently, for example, the goal of the parent is to build trust. This usually means the adoptive parent starts the process by telling the child that they trust them. This is often done in the context of teaching the child the "rules" of the home. The belief is that the child will learn to reciprocate by benefit of a positive role model. This is a good example of the parent speaking English and the child only understanding French. What the child knows is that no one can be trusted. Because of experiences of betrayal, the child hears the words of trust but does not believe their meaning. As a consequence, the child views trust as a conditional meaning, whereas the adoptive parent views it as an absolute meaning. What I normally recommend to parents is that they learn to speak in terms of contractual trust. In practice this means presenting the child conditions where they can demonstrate trust as an external event, rather than an inherent condition. By making the desired outcome measurable, the child gains confidence in their ability to perform appropriate behavior. For example, I would not put my confidence in the child's willingness to tell me the truth about taking the extra cookies. Instead I would point out the evidence I hold for assuming that they took the cookies. Then I would ask them to tell me why it was important for them to present a different version.

Adopted and abused children do heal and do lead productive and fulfilling lives. To do so, however, they have to process their abuse-acquired language and learn the language of their new home. Our task, as parents and helpers, is to learn their native tongue to help them translate the language of the non-abusive world. A dramatic example of this occurred in my therapy practice some years ago. A 7-year-old boy had recently been placed in an adoptive home - his second "permanent" placement. The concern was his continuous sexual acting out. At the end of our first session, after playing vigorously with all the interesting toys in my office, and with his new adoptive mother sitting in the room, little Johnny came over to my chair and asked to sit on my lap. He gave me a hug and said, "I like you. Do we have sex now?" The adoptive mom was shocked and embarrassed. I merely said, "No. We do not do that. You do not have to have sex with me for me to like you and let you play with my toys." He accepted my statement without comment and we proceeded to do therapy on his distorted perception of personal boundaries -- by-products of his preadoptive sexually abusive environment.

Parenting a sexually abused child can be very challenging at times. Their distortions and our desires often collide. Yet, I am convinced that their innate desire to heal and ours to nurture will result in a positive experience for both. Learning the "language" of sexual abuse is a powerful tool to accomplish this.

Mr. Mann has been in private practice since 1986 with sexually abused adolescents, adults, and children, mostly male. A specialist in the area of sexual abuse trauma, he is a noted regional and national trainer. We thank Family Matters for permission to use this article which first appeared in that popular newsletter in April 1994.