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Resource Information

Choosing and Using a Respite Provider: Guidelines for Adoptive
and Foster Parents

By Norma Nelson

While most parents use some form of respite from time to time, it's usually informal and involves use of extended family, a neighbor or a regular sitter. For adoptive and foster families who are parenting children with special needs, locating respite can be a lot more complicated. It may not only be difficult to find "sitters" with the requisite skills, but the search for providers often requires a tremendous amount of energy which is hard for many families, already exhausted by parenting, to summon. Many simply give up trying.

If adoptive and foster parents do locate someone willing to provide respite, what criteria do they use in deciding whether to use this person? How do they set it up? Because few written guidelines are available (especially for informal respite), here are some suggestions for parents.

First, think of respite as good mental health and make it part of your routine. Don't wait until you're exhausted or ready to "return" your child.
Ask about experience and special qualifications of prospective providers. Ask for references and call them. NOTE: If it is important to you that a criminal history check be completed for anyone caring for your children, find out how such a check is done, what it costs, etc., so you can share that information with providers you may want to hire.
When you have located a prospective provider, have a "pre-respite" meeting first. Have the provider over to your home to get acquainted and to meet your children. Discuss the family rules and guidelines, and write them down. Do this in front of the kids. Let them see that all adults involved are "in the know" and in agreement. This could cut down on some of the testing and some of the end runs.

Share whatever information the provider needs to know in order to give quality care. Clearly define what needs to be confidential and why.
Try to have first-time respite be in your own home and only for a few hours. Plan to get together afterwards to debrief and include the kids in that debriefing. This can prevent all kinds of "misunderstandings".
Give specific, written instructions for the administration of medications.
Leave a number where you can be reached and the name and number of someone who can be called in the event of an emergency. For children struggling with fear of abandonment, calling home once or twice can be reassuring to them.
Return home or pick your children up at the scheduled time; be sure to call if you are going to be late.
Give clear instructions regarding who is permitted to visit your child, whether the provider has permission to transport your children, where your child is permitted to play and with whom, etc.
If respite is overnight or for a few days, be sure to provide all the necessities such as changes of clothes, spending money, special food, etc.
Bring up and discuss concerns promptly. Encourage your provider to do the same.
Finally, practice using respite for activities you want to do rather than for things you ought to do. What you need most may be a few hours to browse in a book store, attend a class, have an uninterrupted conversation with another adult, or maybe just the time to take a bath without someone banging on the door. Make respite work for you; replenish!