Bigotry Is Not A Family Value!

By Penny Vederoff

Penny Vederoff Describes herself as a "special needs parent," due to her own long-term medical and physical problems. Her first child, a daughter, joined the family through an international adoption over twenty years ago when Penny was married. Her first son was going on seven when she adopted him domestically as a single parent.  Because of his special needs, he had been "labeled" a hard-to-place child with limited potential.  Within five years, two other sons with similar "labels" had joined the family through local adoptions.

The Vederoff  clan, with adoptive kids who have special needs and are in the minority culturally and racially and a mom who is in the minority as a gay person, had to learn early on to weather prejudice and intolerance. They, like many other families, have found that often the most painful bigotry they encounter is within the very institutions designed to promote the welfare of children and families -- schools, courts, churches, social service programs for children and families, media, and government.

Bigotry. It's not a popular subject. Hardly anybody likes to talk about it. And fewer still believe it refers to them -- their own ideas and beliefs.  Yet, bigotry is all around us. It seems to be woven into the fabric of all cultures and societies. It is a legacy passed down from generation to generation, personalized by our families and enmeshed in our lives.

Bigotry cheats everyone. It can steal dreams and limit potential. Bigotry almost kept us from becoming a family many years ago. Later, it nearly prevented us from adopting our two younger sons.

In our family, we have all been wounded by bigotry. And when one of us is battered and bruised, we all feel it. We have learned that our family is the best comfort available for shielding ourselves individually and as a group against the always painful, and sometimes unimaginable, intolerance of others.

When our oldest son walked into our home he was  just 6 1/2 years old, but he had already been "labeled" a failure. Because of cerebral palsy and learning disabilities, social workers, teachers, and other professionals believed he had few choices and essentially no future.

Our daughter was born in a foreign country which devalues children who are orphans, casting them as undesirables, and even non persons. And racial attitudes here in her adopted country later threatened to script her education and shape her future.

Our youngest sons as children and adolescents have not only felt the sting of bigotry associated with children of color, whom the media most often portray as gang members and drug dealers, but also through the local educational system that predicted that they would fail.Few, it seems, who encounter bigotry are unchanged by it. Some are beaten. Some struggle and fight back.  And some overcome.

One of our sons may have been beaten by it. He believed the messages of crime and failure and now sits in jail awaiting a prison sentence.

Our daughter is struggling to understand why bigotry exists. She fights back by helping others and doing volunteer work for a multitude of organizations within our community.

Our youngest son has become a role model for African American children. He graduated from high school with honors a year ago.  And as a youth counselor, he is working with younger kids -- very much like himself -- through a variety of community-based programs.

Our oldest son, the kid who had "few choices and no future" recently completed graduate school.  Talk about "overcoming" bigotry.  And yes, he still walks with a limp, a residual effect of cerebral palsy.

In our family, we survive day to day, each in our own way, because we have each other. But, there are thousands of kids who do not yet have a family to be a buffer for the pain and confusion and isolation that bigotry always brings.

Sadly, proposed legislation in Washington state, propelled by the most recent wave of bigotry, threatens thousands of children with special needs who are waiting for families. This legislation would eliminate single parents and non-traditional families, like our own, from adopting these children even though we have become primary resources for many of the children who are thought to be the most difficult to place.

How is it possible to defeat bigotry?  We can become committed to policies of inclusion, rather than exclusion.  We can reach out to others on a personal level and on a community level. We can be willing to learn about others for whom we have had little respect in the past. We can refuse to let people tell jokes or make comments at the expense of others. We can model behavior for our children which enhances all of us. We can teach our children to be proud of themselves and their uniqueness.  While doing so, we can teach them about the uniqueness of others.  We can attend a variety of community events -- those that we identify with, and those that have different points of view. We can give our children opportunities to help those who are less fortunate and in doing so help them to develop empathy. Perhaps most importantly, we can insist that those who represent us do so with respect for all of us.

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